The question was always in her head; Was i a bad person? did i make my life like this? If only they knew? This is why...

They called me harri but my real name is Harriet. First day of secondary school start to a new life, was wicked i had my bag with my books, pencil case and i was off ready to learn. Mum dropped me at the school gates and said she would see me later i had that nervous feeling in my stomach as you would starting a new school. It was a wicked day meeting new friends and seeing the old ones from Primary that i hadnt seen since i left there 6 weeks before.. I got along well in school met alot of new friends and there was a group i would be with all the time, Come to year 8 now we was all bestfriends, laughing and joking, I started seeing this boy Alex but back in year 8 u can imagine what that was like, all we did was hug and even that would be hard because we was so shy. His was so lovley, we only see each other in school and we was together right through to year 9 but thats when things became worse...

I met alex's parents and had dinner at his house, his family was lovley i remember alex walking me to the bus stop at about 6 so i could get home in time, and snogging my face off at the bus stop, it was young love to me, he would see me on the bus and as lsoon as i got home we was on the phone to each other from about 6 till midnight even tho we had school the next day, i remember him coming into school being upset because he had been told off by his mum for running up a £155 bill ringing my mobile from his house phone. My hug and kiss cheered him up, and we would laugh it off, Yr 9 flew by and we was 2 months into it when a boy called James from the above year started making little hints that he fancyed me and flirting, We used 2 have wet break at lunch times when it was raining really bad, and that when he would talk 2 me and try say nice things, in a way i liked it because where me and alex had been together so long the attenion wore off and James was giving me it again, James got my number and starting ringing me alot, Telling me to dump Alex because i could be with him and he would treat me better, My feelings took over me and i decided to leave Alex when i rang him i made him cry. He was so hurt, he loved me so much he would of done anything to stay with me, He begged and he begged but I was to involved in my Crush James and didnt fill no sympathy for Alex.. Well the next day i went into school feeling bad as hell, Georgia,Annie,Lucy and Gabby the 4 Girls i thought was my best friends, Came up 2 me and asked me loads of questions asking why i dumped Alex? I told them the truth after all i thought i could trust them but no they was on his side.. Annie said 2 me meet me at Jimball Flats at 6, Which was an estate close 2 my old house, I thought it was 2 chill at the Her house with the rest. i never thought things could get Worser than this.. As i walked up the cold dark stairs with Annie infront leading the way, and gabby, Lucy and Georgia behind me i started to wonder why they was giggling and laughing but no including me in it. As we carried on walking we walked up so many stairs i new we past Annie's floor the exit to her house. We got to the top, and i mean the roof of the building of flats oGabby and Lucy Helped 2 Push the flap up to get up, i asked Annie why we was up there? Annie said to chill but didnt smile so i new somthing was up. When we got there, there was more girls, girls i hadnt seen before never in my life and they was all angry faced. One of them came straight up to me, without saying anything she pushed me, and i fell to the floor, she shouted so loud i could see spit flying out of her mouth im not sure weather she was shouting to be spitful or to cover the noise of the areoplane going past. She said " You dont mess with boys hearts, its not fair isit HARRIET" i was confused but no one calls me HARRIET unless im bad so i no i had done somthing wrong. I Moved over to Annie thinking she would help me but then her gabby and Lucy pushed me close enough to the edge and i was looking face down at lights and cars driving past,  My body went funny i was scared of heights and this was high, the flats had 35 floors and i was on the roof, i could make out the voice but another girl said " You want 2 be laying on that pavement struggling for your life"! I screamed someone to help but Annie punched me in my face and my nose bled. I tryed to get away but they was all now kicking and punching and shouting loud things, i started feeling dizzy and faint, then the next thing i new i was being awoken by Janine's mum still at the top of this building still to this day i dont know if someone had told her or no one could find me but when i looked at the time it was 10.14pm i had been up there since about half 6, they must of ran off, but Janine and her mum took me into her house and we waited for the police and my mum to arrive, The police took a statement and soon as i see my mum  i started to cry but she couldnt see tears, because my eyes were so badly swallon..

The next day arrived and i was ment 2 go back to school but i refused too, ill tell u the truth i was sooo scared, id never been so scared in my life, to think that they could of pushed me off.. The school even said it was a good idea, to have time off because of the state of my face. The girls i thought where my best friends had made me look swollen, bruised and ugly. I hated myself. This was all over me leaving Alex for James and guess what James, didnt ring me once, i lost the boy i was with for ages over some dickhead boy that was trying 2 take my virginity at 14.. and i got beaten up over it and lost all my friends, 2 weeks past and my face was getting a bit better but i was still bruised and i was still refusing to go back to school, I started to fill more and more depressed, and one night i was sitting in my room, looking into the mirror and i picked up a eyebrow shaver which had a mild blade on it and pulled my sleeve up and just run it across my arm up and down up and down, My arm was bleeding heavy and the pain was terrible but i didnt stop it made me fill better, I didnt tell mum or dad because they would of gone mad, and thought i was mad but the truth was i didnt want to be alive i was depressed with what i had done to Alex that i thought the beating to my face wasnt enough.

A month later i was out shopping when i see Annie and gabby shopping too, My heart raced when i see them standing in the same store as me, but i carried on walkin, they looked at me and walked off, i started 2 fill sick so i told my mum i wanted to go home so we got in the car and sat in silence all the way home, i got into bed and closed my eyes and when i woke up it was the next morning, my two friends Marie and Alice came over who lived up the road to me they had been there for me for the whole of it but i didnt really want to talk or be with anyone so i only see them when i felt like it, Marie and alice was in my room and we was having a laugh, when the doorbell rang, i went to the door and standing on my doorstep was Gabby and Annie, Annie smiled and said she was sorry and wanted to talk and asked if i wanted to walk 2 the shop with them to get a drink, i refused as i didnt want to be around them, so they said they was going to the shop and was coming back. The doorbell rang 20 mins later and i new somthing was fishy, i looked at the window and Guess who was there.. Annie, Gabby, Lucy, Georgia and the other girls that had beet me up that day..

 

PART 2: (Continued)

My dad answered the door, and my mum ran out 2 find out why they was back, and for some reason i just built up strength, ran downstairs and pushed past my dad, and said " what do u want" Annie said " YOU DEAD" i said "Come then" and started hitting her and pushing her and all the girls that had done damage to me done nothing but stepped back, i started moving around them pushing some of them saying " Cmon who wants it" I mean iv never been a fighter but i must of been so angry the fact they came 2 my house that i just thought i have 2 show whos who, My dad grabbed me in and put me in my bedroom and locked me in, but i was going mad banging on the door, sayin i was going 2 kill them, you can imagine how angry i was. They finally left and from then on i never heard anything from them. I started a new school a week later Canterbury High School.. Where i met aload of new mates and i was in the school for the rest of the school years up untill year 11 but there was one other damage to my life that destoryed me but made me stronger. I met another boy but this was before i moved out of that school.. i was at my friend peters house and the sexiest boy walked into the house it was peter's friend his name was Charlie, he had the sexiest eyes ever, and i played hard to get he wanted my number but i just keep saying no in the end Peter gave it to him, and Charlie was ringing me all the time.. Late night fone calls and he was still trying 2 get me 2 be his wifey, but from the last situation i didnt wanna have none of it i perfered single life, even tho his voice made me blush and he was cute, i was willing to wait and if he liked me enough he would wait too.

A few months after talking we got into a realtionship he was hard to resist, and we spent alot of time together, and when i was at his one day we was listeing 2 music in his living room and we looking into each others eyes, and had our first kiss, We grew more and more closer, and after 6 months into the realtionship, we was sure we was ready 2 loose our virginity to each other. But after being together a year things wasnt going so well. we kept breaking up and getting back together and things didnt go well. I really fell for Charlie, he was like a first real love i mean there was Alex but Charlie was more grown up and it was different. Charlies problem was he didnt like his friends knowing he was in love with me so he broke up with me for good. Even tho his friends didnt say nothing, He still decided we wasnt ment to be.. but i woudlnt give up i liked him that much.. About a month after we broke up after being together a year and a half. Being friends i invited Charlie over 2 my Aunties House where i had been staying to talk things threw, It was early morning and my aunt had gone 2 work so it was just us too, he was ment 2 come at 11 but arrived at 10 where i opened the door in my pjs, i told him to wait in the living room while i had a shower and Charlie aggreed, While i was in the shower the water kept going from freezing cold, to boiling hot back to cold again, it was doing my head in so i got in my towel and walked out of the bathroom, Charlie was already in my room, " Oh shit ! You scared me what u doin in here, get in the living room i need 2 get dressed" i said holding my towel. But charlie just shook his head, and said " No, your not coming into your room until u take ur towel off and show me ur boobs" I was suprised, but i could see in Charlies eyes he had been smoking but i didnt tell him that i just kept moving back. But he wouldnt let go off the towel. " Charlie stop, i mean it" Stop !! i Shouted.. " Show...Me... Your... Tits..." He said in slow motion. I craweled into a ball on the floor and cried, not so he would feel sorry for me but to show him he was upsetiing me from what he wanted me to do. I finally pushed past him, And tryed to get my underwear out of the draw, but he pushed me onto the top with his knees in my chest. Asking me" Do u love me Harri"? Do you? " He repeated until i answer " Yes u no i do but y are u being like this" with tears strolling down my face. He never replied to me just gave me wink. He noticed the bottle of Lambrini on top of the Cupboard that me and the girls had drunk from school a couple of nights before, and his eyes lit up so quick its like someone set him on fire, how quick he got up. He grabbed it and before i could move his knees were back digging into my chest

"Drink it" He said. "It will get you drunk, now drink it" To be honest i didnt see why he wanted 2 make me drunk, but he was upseting me so i refused. His knees digging in my chest was making it harder to breath so my main priority was getting him off. So as he poured the drink 1 meter from my face aiming to my mouth but i moved, and it went all down the side of my face, Baring in mind id just had a shower i was now sticky again from the flat lambrini, That was all on my bed, as well as down the side of my neck. He then started kissing me but i just layed there, and wanted whatever he was gonna do to be over and done with. He pulled my towel off, and put his fingers inside of me, i felt sick, the love i had once for my 1st love had dissapeared, it felt like i was being harresed by a stranger, He then started playing with himself and making moaning noise's i just wanted to get away. He slipped his hardness into me and started moving up and down, he layed his head on my shoulder so he was faced down all i could do was cry, as much as i struggled i couldnt get free, Finally it was over, he got up and kissed me. Thats when he hit me id just been raped by the boy that once told me he loved me!! I started 2 go mad i asked him why, But he said " u no u liked it?" I mean would i cry if i liked it even tho i didnt say it i was thinking it. As he went 2 walk out of the room i picked up a glass and dashed it at the wall but was aiming for him, It smashed into little pieces on the floor, i started smashing mirror's, cd,s throwing everything i could find, He came back into the room, And said " YOUR CRAZY," with that he walked out and slammed the door. Me crazy no way he was crazy for doing what he just done to me i mean how dare he, i mean how dare i let him, all them thoughts running through my head. I started 2 hate my life again, With that i called My friends from my new school Annabelle and Jodie, and told them i didnt wanna be here anymore, my life was over.. And i hung up and picked up tablets and took them, I rewoke to find myself in a hospitial bed, next to me was Jodie, she told me she had 2 break the door down to rescue me, and she saved my life if it wasnt for Jodie i would of been dead, I learnt in the end, Overdosing and Selfharming Wasnt The Key,  It was solving it probably.. I have a better life now, Im 20 years old and thats what i show for my life, but i dont dwell on the past its not worth it i have a future to look forward too, and a baby girl on the way.. People dont know how lucky they are to have there life.But my question is still IF ONLY THEY KNEW?

 

By Chanel Whitlock.. Tell me what u though